Today I sighed a sweet – sad sigh, because I couldn’t help thinking this phrase weaves into every thread of my life. Feelings of loss enveloped me and yet at the same time, a welcomed sense of release. Today, more than ever – I am reminded of my own mortality.
If I am to think I’ll live to be a 100, then I am approaching the autumn of my life. Recognizing 50, I am in the highlight, as it seems – a sweet delight, a comfortable pose, filled with so many rewards from my past. Looking beyond this reminds me never to hesitate for the opportunity that each new day introduces. And when I do, I panic when I think I may have missed or passed up an opportunity to pay attention to what is really important in life. It has sometimes happened and I yearn to have another chance.
I swept the porch today in the autumn of my life. The flowers begged for water, although their life is near an end. After yielding to this need, I began to sweep the remaining traces of withering summer leaves falling – not to many now, but enough that reminded me of what is to come. I swept and swept under every little crevice, until soon, I saw the clean porch that reminded me of the warmth and youthful beginning of the season’s promises, as if to bring it back.
As I turned to put the broom away – another leaf fell, then another. Somewhere in my head I heard, “You know this will not go away.” Each day I continued to sweep, but the leaves continue to fall, more and more…and faster too.
It was during this silent conversation that I am reminded how I was swept away by my youth – naïve to the autumn approaching. And yet, autumn is around the corner and will soon be here. It waits for no one.
One day I will have a conversation with the winter and what comes with it. It, as I believe, is the most important part of the process – the end, the part that closes the circle, which perpetuates the everlasting loop, a new beginning – but,….it’s a new beginning that is unknown. It beckons me – looms in a distance, I know it is there waiting for me. It will not go away – just like the leaves, even if I ignore it or try to sweep them away.
It is a season that can make folks sad with feelings of uncertainty and yet, each day I find myself preparing for it, wanting, dreading, excited and willing to confront it and in the same sense – be comforted by it. I want to be ready and yet, I want to forget about it for a while longer – I believe I may have more time, but I know that another leaf is falling. It makes me nervous sometimes.
The autumn of my life has spoken to me about the winter through the lives of my loved ones. This conversation too, is a silent one. Their winter came and some were ready and willing to accept the end and some fought hard thinking they could keep it away. Sometimes, from a distance and sometimes close up, I watched… wondering what they must be feeling. I saw their transitions. One day, it will be my time and I believe it was meant to be for me to witness this gradual change and acceptance. I believe it is a divine preparation for what is to come – for everyone.
So... on this autumn day, once again, I reflect with a sweet, sad sigh, and know the leaves will continue to fall – you cannot sweep them away forever.
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